I have to take the pill and I don't want to

I have to take the pill to stop breastfeeding my newborn baby and it feels sad. I’m staring at his tiny body, seeing him smile while he’s on his baby swing. The doctor said it was the best for both of us because for some reason he’s intolerant to my milk.

Motherhood. Does it come with a manual? Nope. But as a new mom, all that I can do is try my best. And today it means taking that pill. 

I don’t want to take the pill, but I have to

I’m staring at it. I went to buy it at the drugstore today, and it’s there sitting on my counter, waiting for me. I know that after I take it, it means goodbye to a phase I thought would last just a little bit longer. 

If only I could freeze this moment, just for a little while. If only I could hold him, squeeze him, and be his comfort, just for one more night. 

You don’t always get what you want, you get what you need

This phrase is from a song I listen to when I’m a little bit sad. I know that life is not perfect and that I won’t always get what I want. Today it means that what I want, was not meant to be part of my maternity. Today I have to embrace the fact that comfort, nurturing, and love can come in many different ways for him.

Today I have to let go and hope for the best. It’s the only, and the best thing I can do right now.

I’m going to miss his little cheeks pressed against my chest. I’m going to miss that little face he makes when he’s comforted by my skin. I’m going to miss our special moment. But I also know that our special moments together are just beginning, and while this one has to end, there will be more ahead.

I had mixed feelings about posting these thoughts, but sometimes I don’t feel like writing about marketing, mindset, or sustainability. Sometimes I feel vulnerable and I won’t feel bad about being human. 

And it's funny that as I was writing these words, this song popped into my feed, so I’ll be listening to this now on repeat:

“Some nights we feel like dancing

Some nights we feel like crying

Some nights we feel like living

Some nights we feel like dying

Some nights we feel like staying out

'Cause we can't stand to be at home

But we'll be alright if we just

Keep moving on”

-Moving on, Arizona Lyrics